Tips for new Private Military Contractors
Hey Hero, congrats on making it out of the military and into the PMC world. You are about to embark on the greatest monetary adventure of your life, but before you do we wanted to offer a few pieces of advice.
1. Kit- Before deploying buy as much gear as possible. This is essential and your coolness with be calculated by your ability to buy the most up to date gear. Don’t have a use for that piece of gear? No problem. As long as the gear has MOLLE on it you are set.
2. Tattoos- Get some, actually get a lot of them. A couple of true crowd-pleasers are flames, skulls, spiderwebs, 8 balls, inspiring quotes about how you will never give up and anything tribal. The more menacing the better and make sure they put somewhere on your body where everyone can see them.
3. Look like you are going on a safari- This is quite possibly the most important of all. Go to your local tactical dealer and buy one of everything…. Actually, scratch that, buy 10 of everything in every color. Don’t worry you can afford it, you are a baller contractor now. When traveling OCONUS ensure you start your trip off looking like you’re fully prepared to conduct an operation of all times. Your outfit should rest somewhere in between Lawrence of a Labia and Chuck Norris in Delta Force. If you’re not sure what to accessorize your outfit with, we would suggest 5.11 pants, a Grunt Style Shirt, your CAC Card banded and proudly displayed around your arm and a gun belt. If traveling through Dubai, Frankfurt or Qatar, make sure you discuss banging bitches, getting fucked up, National Security and how much you hate your work in a manner that all can hear; it’s important that inferior nations resect you and your CAC card authority.
4. House- Buy one, a big one with lots of extras like a pool, 5 car garage and an insanely large TV. You will need somewhere for your wife and her boyfriend to live while you are away, so make sure it’s nice. Not sure what you can afford? A good rule of thumb when buying a house is to take your yearly average income and multiply it by 3 and that is what you can safely afford. Since you are a rich contractor and will never be fired or let go due to a change of work go ahead and take what you make in a year and multiply it by 20. This way you are guaranteed to match your newly acquired baller rich lifestyle.
5. Car- What am I thinking? Truck. The bigger the better and make sure to get a good lift kit, loud exhaust, bumper stickers that contain your entire DD-214 and flamed decals. Remember anything under a supercharged V-8 is for pussies and you don’t want to be a pussy now that you are a snake eating contractor, do you?
6. Harley- Notice I didn’t write Honda, BMW, Kawasaki or anything else lame like that. Get something big with a loud exhaust. Don’t worry if you don’t know how to ride one either, chances are your wife’s boyfriend does and he will be able to keep it running for you while you’re gone.
7. Watch- Go to your nearest Rolex retailer and buy a submariner, make sure it’s brand new and really expensive. Everyone needs to know you make a lot of money and that is the best way to prove it. If it’s not a Rolex then make sure it’s big, bright and easily identifiable as something that a rich person would wear by anyone not accustomed to your gangster ass lifestyle.
8. Savings- Don’t do it, you will just be wasting your time since you are getting more money next month and lots of it. If you are confused about ways to spend it I recommend going to Vegas, Thailand or the Philippines and throwing it at strippers and other minions who don’t make as much you.
9. Tap Out Shirts- Can’t fight? No problem!! You don’t need to train for years… remember that Jiu-Jitsu class that you took 3 years ago but were too tired to finish? That is all you need to start wearing a bunch of fight clothes… maybe everyone will think you’re actually sponsored!!
10. Buy lots of supplements- Anything that sounds like ‘Jacked-Up Fuck Monster’, ‘Energy Fist’, ‘Stronger, Deeper, and Definitely not-Gay’, and ‘Mega Mass Monster Bench Press’ will do. It is irrelevant if it actually works, just buy it, and have it sitting out on your nightstand… much respect (besides, you’ll be doing steroids anyway). And remember, if its herbal, cleansing, vitamins, or overall health and wellness related you will look like a giant pussy.
11. Get on social media and tell everyone else how bad-ass you are- Now that you are a PMC you are pretty much the Delta Force DEVGRU ninja operator of the security world. Nobody knows more about tactics and operations than you now that you went through a 2-week WPPS course. It’s your duty to get on Facebook and Instagram and educate the rest of those low life scum that only makes in a month what you make in a week. Be sure to degrade others on the chat forums and talk about the time you were in the military and killed more people than ass cancer on your last deployment. On your profile be sure to list as many photos as possible of you jacking steel, shooting guns and all your testosterone-infused trucks and motorbikes.