A neckbeard, much like a fine work of art, takes time, patience, and the masculinity of a full-grown male rhinoceros to cultivate. The Civil War era, hands down had some of the most spectacular and panty wetting neckbeards in recorded history; so we are going to provide you with a short list of RE Factor Tactical’s favorite Civil War neckbeards.
Before we get started we are going to go over the rules and regulations of having a neckbeard that makes the list. The face must be completely clean-shaven with the facial hair starting below the jawline. Basically, it looks like a clean-shaven man with a small animal wrapped around the neck.
A mustache is acceptable as long as it does not connect to the sides of the cheeks like you would see on a regular beard. A good example would be Ron Jeremy’s caterpillar he has crawling on his face. That is pretty much all of the rules and regulations for a neckbeard, so without further adieu here are some of the best neckbeards that flooded countless basements in the civil war era and kept ladies changing their socks several times a day in the 1800s.
Neckbeard number one is business up top, and Amish down below. He has a clean shave on his face, and what resembles a rich widow’s well-groomed house cat on his neck. The beard looks to be at least six inches long, well maintained, and as white as snow. This classic neckbeard took months, maybe even years to get to refine, and yes I know what you are thinking, the carpet probably matches the drapes.
Neckbeard number two is much shorter, much darker, and less kept. The photo resembles a mug shot which was probably taken after he was caught stealing your Great Grandfather’s girl. This neckbeard sporting meat titan was sliding into dm’s way before it was cool, this was done by having his servants deliver formal requests to ladies asking to court them. After knocking the dust off it, he tossed them a shiny nickel, ordered them a carriage, and sent them on their way.
Neckbeard number three is a much bushier continuation of his hair that includes sideburns and wraps completely around the face. He chose this style of beard because it softened the grip from ladies’ thighs whilst he wore them like scarves. This beard is well rounded and reminds us of a giant pack of cotton balls. You will notice if you look closely that his hair swoops under his glasses and flairs out like a judge’s wig to remind you that he is the law of the land, and indeed running shit.
Last but not least, neckbeard number four is the only contestant that offers unlimited mustache rides to the thirsty ass wenches of the 1800s. His unruly neck beard denotes that he lives a rugged and fast lifestyle. He engaged in questionable activities with even more questionable women. Don’t let his hipster, good guy glasses fool you if you crossed him he would empty a revolver in you and then run off with your baby’s momma.
We understand after reading this and seeing the pictures of these neck bearded Demi-Gods that you probably feel inferior and want to start growing your own neckbeard as fast as humanly possible. Please remember that growing a neckbeard comes with very serious and sometimes fatal consequences. You will be attacked at random by hordes of women trying to ride your precious life-giving war hammer, and claim their spot next to your throne after giving birth to your mighty neckbearded war babies. These neckbeard thirsting trollops will stop at nothing to get your pure and precious neck bearded seed and will get it by any means necessary.